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week ten – that’s all folks…

Well today is my 5 year wedding anniversary… and the only available appointment they had for ultrasound until next week..

So we went to have the ultrasound done, in the very same room we had Ana’s first ultrasound done. For some reason, i was panicing in the waiting room, but when we got back to the ultrasound room, my heart went calm. I think knowing that is the place we first saw Miss Ana gave me hope and peace.

So, here we go… gel on the belly… and I ask “Am I gonna be able to see?!” because obviously I have already obsessed and know exactly what normal looks like at 10 weeks because I google searched it the night before.. and she tells me I can see after she does her part… BOO! ok…

So she starts scanning and there is no excitement, there no moment of “OMG theres our baby” from Tim, who can see the screen.

I know pretty quickly this isn’t going well, but I pray and try to stay positive. She scans my ovaries for a long time, which seems incredible unnecessary at this point. JUST TELL ME WHATS GOING ON, or SHOW ME THE SCREEN.. SOMETHING! ahhh… She tells me that shes turning on the sound, but it is my heartbeat I am hearing, and I know this because the baby’s heart rate would be faster… (yea, I know too much for my own good sometimes)

then she says they need to go try the vaginal ultrasound.. which is what they did with Ana when I had the Subchrionic Hematoma… and as soon as they leave the room I tell Tim… “I am not dumb, there is no heartbeat… WHAT DID YOU SEE?!” and he says he didn’t know what he was looking at, which tells me there was not an obvious baby in there, because at 10 weeks, its pretty obvious when there is! I tell him, please snap a photo of the screen because I dont think they are going to show me anything. So he does. Bless his heart.

As I am laying there having the most awkward ultrasound of my life, the emotions take over and tears well up. I don’t want to cry, but I need to cry.. so I cry.

Sure enough, I sit up.. the tech leaves the room again, I know she is going to get a doctor so they can tell me the obvious. I am not pregnant any more.

Doctor Strobel comes in and very cordially let’s us know that there is no embryo on the scan and that he is very sorry to have to tell us that. I can’t speak, but thats just because I dont want to ugly cry more than I am already, so Tim thanks him and reassures him that it’s ok.

And it is.

Even if I am angry.

Even if I am sad.

Even if I am pissed off because I have been SO entirely sick the last month, and there isn’t even an embryo, and as far as I can tell, there never was.

It makes no sense to me, but I am already texting Angy, my fantastic midwife to tell her what they said, because I feel like she will have some kind of sensical reason for why I have felt so pregnant and so sick.

I won’t know for sure until tomorrow, but she thinks due to my symptoms and the lack of an embryo, that I have had a Molar Pregnancy… she delves out a plan of action for follow up and making sure that I will be okay… and I google..

 

Molar pregnancies are rare, and happen when there is a chromosomal problem. Usually when a egg that does not carry a proper number of chromosomes is fertilized, and cannot grow into an embryo, but instead becomes a mass of grape looking cysts… FUN.

I find comfort in the fact that it seems mine was a FULL molar pregnancy and that there was probably never an embryo. I don’t know why but that makes it seem way less real to me and I like that.

As we go forward, if the hormone levels don’t tank and go completely down, I will have to have a D&C (and honestly, I might have one to be safe) because if molar tissue is left in my uterus, it can lead to an invasive mole that requires chemotherapy. Um, no thanks, get out of my uterus. and if left untreated can be cancerous. Heck NO.

So that’s that.

I will never forget my 5 year wedding anniversary.

In better news, I booked us a hotel room with a indoor pool and I am taking Analeigh swimming.. then she is spending the night with her cousins and aunt and uncle so Tim and I can just rest and chill, and go to a restaurant and eat everything in sight. And possibly become just a touch intoxicated to celebrate five years of “OMG we made it!!! and I STILL LOVE YOU”

To every thing there is a season, even if my seasons tend to overlap and get all jumbled up… we have faith that everything happens for a reason and it wasn’t our time.

 

 

 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

 

 

xoxo,

 

allie

 

 

krystal - February 22, 2013 - 8:35 pm

As I read this I knew I wanted to write something to you. As I cried along with you as I am sure you did as you wrote this. I was there, in your shoes, felt the same thing, but at the same time I just wanted to offer you some comfort.

I am truly sorry. I had a very similar situation and all along you have this idea of a baby in your head and how different your life is going to be.

My prayers are with you.

<3

Lindsey - February 22, 2013 - 8:50 pm

Allie – I am so sorry. I know that only time and God will heal the pain but I wanted to let you know how terribly sorry I am that you and your family are in pain- but I am praying for you.
lindsey

Tallahassee Wedding Photogapher - February 22, 2013 - 8:53 pm

Sending you lots of love and some BIG hugs!!! -Ashley

Chrissy - February 22, 2013 - 9:01 pm

Allie, my heart breaks for you and Tim. I remember staring at the US screen and knowing yet waiting…. If you need an ear or a sounding board, I’m here.

Tomi Barrett - February 22, 2013 - 9:06 pm

My deepest sympathy to you both! We had a similar situation happen to us! It is painful regardless of how far along u r! I send lots of prayers and hugs!

Natalia - February 22, 2013 - 9:07 pm

I love you my friend, it all will be alright in time, trust in your faith and have comfort in the awesomeness that is that curly haired child of yours. I will see you soon!

Jessica - February 22, 2013 - 9:27 pm

Allie you are such a rock star. It’s ok to be sad but I hope you know you are an amazing mother to Ana and can have perfectly normal pregnancies in the future. Glad you and Tim get some time together, 5 yrs is reason to celebrate no matter what!

Matt Morrison - February 22, 2013 - 9:43 pm

It hurts to read the commentary on how it went today. I remember being in a similar room, and the anxious feelings you get. What I can’t imagine is how you and Tim’s hearts felt as the obvious was being narrated to you. So, for that you will have much prayer support tonight from the Morrison clan. We love you guys. Find rest and comfort tonight in your wonderful man, your amazing daughter, and most importantly your loving God.

MaGaggle - February 22, 2013 - 10:59 pm

Allie,
You do not know me, I do not know you! But together we are sisters in Christ. Our LORD will provide all our needs, our love for each other will get us through until HE returns one day. You are loved, brave and anointed! To be able to write about this so eloquently when we all know you must be hurting, deeply, tenderly and thoroughly! Know that there are a lot of us out here loving and virtually hugging you!
May GOD’S peace envelope you and your husband. May you have many more children and be a blessing to each of them!

Your sister in Christ!
Marilee

Dawn - February 23, 2013 - 1:01 am

Dear Allie,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I pray that God will surround you with His love, comfort, and peace.

Michelle Fullerton - February 23, 2013 - 2:53 am

So very sorry for your loss. God will heal the hurt – keep holding onto His strength!!
Love & prayers to you, Tim & Annaleigh.

Judy - February 23, 2013 - 5:08 am

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us! I cried just reading it as I know you must have done while writing it. God is the ultimate Healer, and I pray He will bring you and Tim peace through this emotional time!

Bobbie - February 23, 2013 - 7:47 pm

allie… i bawled!! as i am sure anyone else that feels your heart in these words…i am so sorry and so inspired at the same time. Trust, Love, Hope and Prayers

A year removed.. » - January 23, 2014 - 9:13 pm

[…] If you have followed this blog, that was pretty much the only thing I blogged here. A year ago, I told the story of our second pregnancy and subsequent loss at 13 weeks pregnant. I haven’t had a lot to say since […]

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