I have spent half of my life now without my mom.
When that realization hit me in October of last year, I was kinda just numb to the whole thing. I mean, this is my life.. my reality.. and there is no amount of whining about it that is going to change that. I have tried, from very soon after my mom passed away, to accept that it was just the way it was going to be for me. Pick up, move on.. try not to dwell on it.. just accept.. and move on.
Well, for many years there was a lot of uncertainty and discontent in my life, from the time I was 15-18, I was never really certain where I belonged or even where I was going to sleep at times.. but was grateful to have God in my corner, and somehow, through the craziest sequences of twists and turns, I made it through high school and into college.. Promise scholarship and all.
Off to college, which was welcome reprieve from feeling like a burden to people who weren’t my blood. It was a great time in my life to explore where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and to just keep working toward that goal, with the distractions of college life to make everything that I didn’t have in life seem less important. There were times that I was grateful not to have family constantly on my back.. what a naive statement that is..
I realized throughout college that I was blessed to have a family that I finally felt I could call my own in my adoptive parents and siblings. It took a long time to accept their unending love and care.. I guess I wasn’t used to that sort of devotion.. and maybe in some ways felt that I had not earned it so why would it be there? But it was..
I transferred colleges to be with the love of my life, Tim.. and made him my family.. looking back now, it is a darn good thing that our relationship worked out, because I don’t know where I would be if it had not, I put all my eggs in his basket…and Tim got nothing out of marrying me, other than me, well and my sister. He got no in-laws and no large family full of crazy aunts, uncles and cousins.. he got me, and my sister, who lives 2 hours away. I have a great deal of guilt sometimes that maybe he deserves more, or that I have a lot of weight to carry to make up for the lost relationships because of my checkered past. He also would love to have family, and to be a part of something.. but no dice, locally.. and we don’t see my sister as often as we would like. I am hoping after she finishes school we will both be more free to get together.. but alas.. it still feels like he didn’t get too much out of the deal. He initially got my adoptive family, but since he knew them before I did, it probably felt more like he got me out of knowing them, not the other way around..
Holidays used to be split between his parents and my adoptive parents, who conveniently live next door to each other (yep, I married the boy next door) but about a month after I had our first baby, Analeigh, my adoptive mother was diagnosed with agressive pancreatic cancer and she past away 9 months later, leaving a huge hole in our hearts and a dent in the holidays, where she was the one that made everything special. So now, it feels like I have lost my mom.. once at 13 and again at 24. Do you ever feel like you just aren’t worthy of something? It feels like that to me sometimes.
With baby #2 on the way now.. I am hormonal and emotional and weepy. Everytime I hear someone say they are hanging out with their mom.. or their mom has the kids.. or they wish their mom would stop doing this, or do this.. or anything about their mom.. I just want to cry. It is slow season for photography and I am exhausted and with Ana every day while Tim works, and while he is out earning extra money for us (bless him) but it starts to wear on me when I realize I don’t have that unconditional, open arm relationship with a mom.. someone who can tell me what it was like to be pregnant with me.. or even to be pregnant at all. I don’t have someone that calls and asks to see my kiddo, which I always envisioned with my adoptive mom.. that she would help me raise these babies.. I feel very alone.
The only thing I know to do with this negative energy is to make sure that my daughter (and future son or daughter) never have to feel the way I do right now. That they know the love of their mother is always there and never ends.. and I pray that I never get sick like my adoptive mom did.. because I can’t leave my kids without that relationship. Ugh, the thought of it alone kills me..
I don’t have a conclusion for this ramble.. i am just having a really hard day and wanted to whine about it… but now.. back to pulling my big girl panties up and moving on… this, after all.. is my reality.