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week nine – a few scares and some decision making..

So this whole pregnancy so far, I have felt like something was up. My belly is way more sensitive that I remember it being with Analeigh.. and I just simply cannot wear my jeans! I have ONE pair that I can tolerate. The rest are simply annoying, pressing on my uterus. I keep telling Tim that it seems weird, I feel heavy in the belly and that maybe there are twins in there… (that thought makes us both extremely nervous!)

Then early this week, while using the bathroom, I discovered a tiny tinge of blood…

surely nothing, so I ignored it.

Then I wake up the next morning, with streaks in my pajama bottoms and several trips to the bathroom later, still the tinge of blood coming from where the baby is assumed to be.

text Tim, text the midwife, text a few close friends… decide to wait it out and see if it gets worse and if I get crampy… it goes away and i don’t get cramps.

fast forward to the next afternoon.. taking a shower… ecstatic that everything seems to be all clear.. and then as I am washing, I see more blood, and it seems like more.. and its bright red.

get out of shower, text Tim, text midwife, text a few praying folks… and still decide to wait it out…

sure enough, it goes away without cramps… but now I am just beside myself. Why am I bleeding bright red? Is it another Subchronic Hematoma like I had with Analeigh? I can’t remember the spotting being this much or this bright, but that doesn’t mean my memory serves me properly… and if it is a SCH, is it something to be concerned about? Midwife tells me to bedrest, which is a laughable concept, being myself and all.. I can’t sit still if there is no true reason to and I have never been one to believe in bedrest as the best option except in pretty extreme cases of preterm labor.

I decide that, okay, now I want to get an ultrasound done.. even though we weren’t planning to have any this pregnancy, sometimes circumstances have to take president over preferences… and I am sleeping like crap not knowing what’s going on inside my uterus with all this spotting.. so my wonderful midwife calls in the order and I grab the last appointment available before the weekend… tomorrow morning at 10:30 am.

Thats really all I have this week… I don’t know whats going on, but I will soon… and I hope its good news of a little tiny heartbeat and maybe just a tiny little SCH or maybe even nothing explainable at all.

I just threw up.. so something tells me the heartbeat is there?!





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week eight – time for a photo..





I asked Tim take some images of me before I start showing… eeepppp! I have already resorted to stretchy pants and Tim sent me out to buy as many pairs as I saw fit. God love that man. I just can’t stand jeans across my uterus.. it just feels annoying. I told the folks at church last night to just expect nothing but black yoga pants for the next year! Hah! The other ladies that work in the nursery were all “IT’S YOU!” when I told them we were expecting! I guess they had been talking about needing a bassinet for the pastor’s new son in there and he told them they would be needing more than one… but of course he didn’t tell them it was for our future little one. SO exciting to have people excited with us!

So far week eight has been okay, but pretty nauseating still. Forget cooking in this house, it kills me!! Tim made roasted winter squash the other night and I had to quarantine myself in the back room and have him use the ventilation to suck out the smell. I feel bad being so sensitive but even my own smell bothers me.. I had to give the dog a bath last night because I felt like she smelled…I am a hot mess!

I am a little less tired this week, been forcing myself to get up at Ana’s naptime and try to be productive. It actually helps to stay busy and I feel like maybe I pay less attention to the nausea when I have something going on. I hope this part passes soon!





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week seven – final decisions and hello, nausea

Good news – we chose a midwife. It was midwife B. The one that is further away but I felt like came in to my life recently for this reason. I talked to her one more time, and just hired her on the spot. I can’t go wrong and it felt like the right decision.. and frankly, I am just glad it’s over. Her name is Angy Nixon and she is in Charleston, WV area. I won’t have an appointment until 12 weeks unless I want to sooner, which I don’t. I feel pregnant now, so that worry is out the window and as long as things stay on this path, I will be happy. We can hear the heartbeat better at 12 weeks and since I know precisely when I conceived this baby and have a solid idea of when I am “due” there is no need for a dating ultrasound. I am glad to have someone I can send a text or facebook message to anytime I have a question or would like to set up an appointment. SO different than my OB office last time where I would call and it would ring off  the hook and no one would answer for hours. I told Angy’s assistant that I chose them and she was ecstatic. This makes me feel important and loved and for me, that is very important to me since these women will be the one guiding me through this birth.

With that decision out of the way, the nausea has come on pretty quick and I have to keep food in my stomach, which is hard when nothing sounds good at all. I have been surviving on go-gurts, pretzel rods, bowls of corn pops, baked potatoes and nachos… I’ve been forcing myself to eat protein at least for dinner even if it doesn’t sound good… but cooking is out of the question right now, as whatever I am making seems completely inedible by the time it is cooked and the smell makes me sicker! I have been eating lots of wendy’s baked potatoes and even has long johns and capt d’s last and this week to try and change it up. I usually do not eat fast food a lot but when you need to eat and the idea of cooking is appalling, you do what you have to do. I’ve lost 6 lbs so really I just want to not get so sick that I keep loosing and wind up having issues bigger than just a little nausea.

I have been taking perfect prenatals and floradix and those are both absolutely awesome supplements that I have used for a year now. No neon yellow vitamin pee and no constipation from the iron. Loveeeee it. Wish I would have known about whole food supplements when I was preggo with Ana.

Napping with Ana has been such a blessing.. I feel terrible at how bad my work productivity is and I am SO grateful for it being slower season (and for my amazing clients that don’t make me feel bad!!) So blessed to have spent both pregnancies working from home. Mad props to you working women with babies and pregnant.. you are beyond amazing to me. I barely stay awake long enough to make sure Ana is going to sleep.. one day I will wake up and she will be out in the house doing something bad, or eating all the cookies.. hah I just know it.. and I will be drooling away on my pillow, out cold in a pregnancy induced coma.

We’re also waiting on Ana’s god mom Mallory to go into labor (pictured in a previous post)… which feels like we are waiting for our own baby… We’re so excited and we love them so much! Come on Dylan, give you mama a break and come on out!

Looking forward to a weekend with my husband, who is still in the interview process and today goes in for his presentation to see if they want to hire him or not for a totally new and different job within his company. It involves a raise (can I get an AMEN?!) but also travel.. which I just know he will love and thrive doing.. even if it means we will miss him while he is gone. It sounds like it will be a 7 days gone, 7 days home situation, which could actually be nice for me, to be just mom while he is gone and then work more when he is here.. plus we do have a couple great babysitters and friends that help us.

Well.. on to laundry and work today… have a good one!











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the value of family..

I have spent half of my life now without my mom.

When that realization hit me in October of last year, I was kinda just numb to the whole thing. I mean, this is my life.. my reality.. and there is no amount of whining about it that is going to change that. I have tried, from very soon after my mom passed away, to accept that it was just the way it was going to be for me.  Pick up, move on.. try not to dwell on it.. just accept.. and move on.

Well, for many years there was a lot of uncertainty and discontent in my life, from the time I was 15-18, I was never really certain where I belonged or even where I was going to sleep at times.. but was grateful to have God in my corner, and somehow, through the craziest sequences of twists and turns, I made it through high school and into college.. Promise scholarship and all.

Off to college, which was welcome reprieve from feeling like a burden to people who weren’t my blood. It was a great time in my life to explore where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and to just keep working toward that goal, with the distractions of college life to make everything that I didn’t have in life seem less important. There were times that I was grateful not to have family constantly on my back.. what a naive statement that is..

I realized throughout college that I was blessed to have a family that I finally felt I could call my own in my adoptive parents and siblings. It took a long time to accept their unending love and care.. I guess I wasn’t used to that sort of devotion.. and maybe in some ways felt that I had not earned it so why would it be there? But it was..

I transferred colleges to be with the love of my life, Tim.. and made him my family.. looking back now, it is a darn good thing that our relationship worked out, because I don’t know where I would be if it had not, I put all my eggs in his basket…and Tim got nothing out of marrying me, other than me, well and my sister. He got no in-laws and no large family full of crazy aunts, uncles and cousins.. he got me, and my sister, who lives 2 hours away. I have a great deal of guilt sometimes that maybe he deserves more, or that I have a lot of weight to carry to make up for the lost relationships because of my checkered past. He also would love to have family, and to be a part of something.. but no dice, locally.. and we don’t see my sister as often as we would like. I am hoping after she finishes school we will both be more free to get together.. but alas.. it still feels like he didn’t get too much out of the deal. He initially got my adoptive family, but since he knew them before I did, it probably felt more like he got me out of knowing them, not the other way around..

Holidays used to be split between his parents and my adoptive parents, who conveniently live next door to each other (yep, I married the boy next door) but about a month after I had our first baby, Analeigh, my adoptive mother was diagnosed with agressive pancreatic cancer and she past away 9 months later, leaving a huge hole in our hearts and a dent in the holidays, where she was the one that made everything special. So now, it feels like I have lost my mom.. once at 13 and again at 24. Do you ever feel like you just aren’t worthy of something? It feels like that to me sometimes.

With baby #2 on the way now.. I am hormonal and emotional and weepy. Everytime I hear someone say they are hanging out with their mom.. or their mom has the kids.. or they wish their mom would stop doing this, or do this.. or anything about their mom.. I just want to cry. It is slow season for photography and I am exhausted and with Ana every day while Tim works, and while he is out earning extra money for us (bless him) but it starts to wear on me when I realize I don’t have that unconditional, open arm relationship with a mom.. someone who can tell me what it was like to be pregnant with me.. or even to be pregnant at all. I don’t have someone that calls and asks to see my kiddo, which I always envisioned with my adoptive mom.. that she would help me raise these babies.. I feel very alone.

The only thing I know to do with this negative energy is to make sure that my daughter (and future son or daughter) never have to feel the way I do right now. That they know the love of their mother is always there and never ends.. and I pray that I never get sick like my adoptive mom did.. because I can’t leave my kids without that relationship. Ugh, the thought of it alone kills me..

I don’t have a conclusion for this ramble.. i am just having a really hard day and wanted to whine about it… but now.. back to pulling my big girl panties up and moving on… this, after all.. is my reality.





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week six – heroic husbands and emotional rollercoasters..

Week Six.. I still feel really good and haven’t had an over whelming urge to toss my cookies yet. I had one wave of nausea but I think it may have just been blood sugar because I ate a yogurt and felt better immediately. Oh and by the way… I have lost 5 lbs! I always become immediately healthier when I find out I am pregnant. I slow way way down on drinking soda and other sugary drinks and only indulge once a week or so with dinner. (Why does Pepsi taste so good when you are not supposed to drink it?) And for some reason I am not grazing all day like I normally do. I think I get food aversions to almost everything, with Analeigh I only ate pizza and cereal. This time I have eaten spaghetti and sweets… wonder what that indicates? a boy? another girl? TWINS?!! haha

Tim said something about twins the other night, then realized that it was a slim possibility and then proceeded to fake gag. HAH! I have twin cousins and so does he.. I have no idea how that plays in to the likelihood of this being a twin pregnancy but OH BOY if it just so happens to be.. eeeep! I guess time will have to tell!

Speaking of Timmy, he has been a freakin’ saint since finding out the will be my baby daddy again. He is interviewing for a promotion because he point blank said “You can’t work as much as you do now and have two babies.” to which I full heartedly agreed, not really knowing the solution. But my providing husband is taking care of it. God bless that man. I feel so at ease which I didn’t expect since we got pregnant so fast it was like… whiplash. I am just happy, relaxed and excited. I know the details will take care of themselves (read: my husband will take care of them.. and God will lead us in the right direction.)

Tim brought home Sprite the other day for me, so I would not drink caffeinated soda. This may seem really silly but I felt so well taken care of. He cares so much about my health and even more now that I am carrying his baby. It feels good that he won’t let me polish off an entire sleeve of Oreos even if I take slight offense to him hiding them.. LOL (true story.) He also just says subtle little comments about how I am “growing a human” and it’s hard work.. or anything like that.. it just makes me feel really good! I have been going to bed early at his encouragement and taking naps with Ana when it feel like the right thing to do.. and because of his support I feel like it is important work in the growth of this child, not laziness.

I am a pretty emotional person but it is definitely kicked up a notch right now.. thinking about Ana no longer being my only child already has me choked up but I am so grateful for the way everything has played out. I will have 3.5 years just with her before this baby comes and with how mature she it, I think she will be a great help and so excited once I start growing. Her God mom is due any minute now with her first born son, and I think Ana totally understands pregnancy and birth (as far as, one leading to the other) and she is excited to meet baby Dylan!

Here is a maternity photo I took of Ana’s Godparents in American Baby Magazine!



One other thing stands out this week- at is has made me weep every time I look at it.. and I really think you should take the time to look at it too and appreciate it’s message

It is a documentary (about 15 minutes) by photographer Sue Bryce and videographer Hailey Bartholomew about Jill. A woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer just a few months after getting married, at age 32. It is a story about beauty, about strength and about love. Just watch it and let yourself ugly cry like I did..



In other news, we still haven’t chosen a midwife… just way too many factors to consider..

Midwife A-

-have known for about 2 years. one of her assistants is a doula that I want at my birth, 100%.
-have photographed several homebirths where she was the attending midwife.
-have similar trusting philosophies on birth and prenatal care.
-about 50 minutes away but offers once a month care day locally so most of my care would be right up the road with my doula attending.

Midwife B -

-met recently and fell in love with her and her apprentice immediately. had a “i’d let you catch my baby” moment.
-photographed one birth with her as attending midwife.
-have similar trusting philosophies on birth and prenatal care.
-about an hour and 20 minutes away, but already has agreed to be flexible in our appointments.


On paper, it seems like I should go with Midwife A.. but I can’t pull the trigger.. what is wrong with me?!

Going to try and make a decision this week!




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