Masthead header

a day removed…

Well here I am, a day removed from the ultrasound and news that there was no embryo growing inside me… ever. Even though I was so sick and felt so entirely pregnant.

Thanking God for my midwife, Angy Nixon who has been so available and helpful in helping me seek answers as to why the symptoms and the trust was there but the baby wasn’t. You just don’t get this kind of fast response and personal care anywhere but with a small midwife practice, like Scenic Drive Midwives.

Grateful for the internet, where I posted what happened, because I figured I am not alone and so many women out there are not talking about it… I don’t live my life in a closet and since the news of being pregnant was already out… the news that I am no longer needed to make its way too, for several reasons.. and what better way than immediately and without hesitation.

So many people sent nice messages, dropped off gifts on our porch and generally just loved on us in our time of sadness. It brought more tears to my eyes but they were good, healthy, get this off my chest tears.

Also thankful that we have a network of friends of all trades, and someone skilled in that field, saw our ultrasound photo on my blogpost and told us that they think it could be something less serious than a molar pregnancy. Which is relieving to me..

Today we meet with Angy and will have a blood draw done to test the hormone levels and get a clearer picture of what is going on and what the next step truly needs to be. D&C or no D&C.. and what the plan is moving forward for finalizing this pregnancy.

I am leaning now toward believing it could be just a blighted ovum and if so, the whole “could lead to cancerous cells” thing is a lot less evident and scary. So, we’re praying for that.

We really did enjoy our anniversary last night, and the pool was just a load of fun for us and our little girl, Analeigh. Then Hubs and I went to Outback and I had the first Filet of my life. I ate SO much food and had two delicious wallaby darneds to celebrate 5 years. (yumo drink.)

 

 

This morning we woke up at the hotel to a bunch of friends announcing on facebook that they were going to Disney on Ice today.. and I remembered that Ana’s cousin had tickets… so after pulling up some videos (and watching them all about 4 times each, mesmerized) I bought tickets too! So after our appointment, we are going to see Disney on Ice. I can’t wait to see Ana’s face light up!!!

xoxo,

 

allie

 

 

Blessing Oshin - February 24, 2013 - 2:15 pm

Oh my Allie. I am so sorry. I didnt see anything on facebook regarding this. Hope you are doing okay. You are in my prayers.

Back to Top Contact Me Share on Facebook Tweet this Post Email to a Friend

week ten – that’s all folks…

Well today is my 5 year wedding anniversary… and the only available appointment they had for ultrasound until next week..

So we went to have the ultrasound done, in the very same room we had Ana’s first ultrasound done. For some reason, i was panicing in the waiting room, but when we got back to the ultrasound room, my heart went calm. I think knowing that is the place we first saw Miss Ana gave me hope and peace.

So, here we go… gel on the belly… and I ask “Am I gonna be able to see?!” because obviously I have already obsessed and know exactly what normal looks like at 10 weeks because I google searched it the night before.. and she tells me I can see after she does her part… BOO! ok…

So she starts scanning and there is no excitement, there no moment of “OMG theres our baby” from Tim, who can see the screen.

I know pretty quickly this isn’t going well, but I pray and try to stay positive. She scans my ovaries for a long time, which seems incredible unnecessary at this point. JUST TELL ME WHATS GOING ON, or SHOW ME THE SCREEN.. SOMETHING! ahhh… She tells me that shes turning on the sound, but it is my heartbeat I am hearing, and I know this because the baby’s heart rate would be faster… (yea, I know too much for my own good sometimes)

then she says they need to go try the vaginal ultrasound.. which is what they did with Ana when I had the Subchrionic Hematoma… and as soon as they leave the room I tell Tim… “I am not dumb, there is no heartbeat… WHAT DID YOU SEE?!” and he says he didn’t know what he was looking at, which tells me there was not an obvious baby in there, because at 10 weeks, its pretty obvious when there is! I tell him, please snap a photo of the screen because I dont think they are going to show me anything. So he does. Bless his heart.

As I am laying there having the most awkward ultrasound of my life, the emotions take over and tears well up. I don’t want to cry, but I need to cry.. so I cry.

Sure enough, I sit up.. the tech leaves the room again, I know she is going to get a doctor so they can tell me the obvious. I am not pregnant any more.

Doctor Strobel comes in and very cordially let’s us know that there is no embryo on the scan and that he is very sorry to have to tell us that. I can’t speak, but thats just because I dont want to ugly cry more than I am already, so Tim thanks him and reassures him that it’s ok.

And it is.

Even if I am angry.

Even if I am sad.

Even if I am pissed off because I have been SO entirely sick the last month, and there isn’t even an embryo, and as far as I can tell, there never was.

It makes no sense to me, but I am already texting Angy, my fantastic midwife to tell her what they said, because I feel like she will have some kind of sensical reason for why I have felt so pregnant and so sick.

I won’t know for sure until tomorrow, but she thinks due to my symptoms and the lack of an embryo, that I have had a Molar Pregnancy… she delves out a plan of action for follow up and making sure that I will be okay… and I google..

 

Molar pregnancies are rare, and happen when there is a chromosomal problem. Usually when a egg that does not carry a proper number of chromosomes is fertilized, and cannot grow into an embryo, but instead becomes a mass of grape looking cysts… FUN.

I find comfort in the fact that it seems mine was a FULL molar pregnancy and that there was probably never an embryo. I don’t know why but that makes it seem way less real to me and I like that.

As we go forward, if the hormone levels don’t tank and go completely down, I will have to have a D&C (and honestly, I might have one to be safe) because if molar tissue is left in my uterus, it can lead to an invasive mole that requires chemotherapy. Um, no thanks, get out of my uterus. and if left untreated can be cancerous. Heck NO.

So that’s that.

I will never forget my 5 year wedding anniversary.

In better news, I booked us a hotel room with a indoor pool and I am taking Analeigh swimming.. then she is spending the night with her cousins and aunt and uncle so Tim and I can just rest and chill, and go to a restaurant and eat everything in sight. And possibly become just a touch intoxicated to celebrate five years of “OMG we made it!!! and I STILL LOVE YOU”

To every thing there is a season, even if my seasons tend to overlap and get all jumbled up… we have faith that everything happens for a reason and it wasn’t our time.

 

 

 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

 

 

xoxo,

 

allie

 

 

krystal - February 22, 2013 - 8:35 pm

As I read this I knew I wanted to write something to you. As I cried along with you as I am sure you did as you wrote this. I was there, in your shoes, felt the same thing, but at the same time I just wanted to offer you some comfort.

I am truly sorry. I had a very similar situation and all along you have this idea of a baby in your head and how different your life is going to be.

My prayers are with you.

<3

Lindsey - February 22, 2013 - 8:50 pm

Allie – I am so sorry. I know that only time and God will heal the pain but I wanted to let you know how terribly sorry I am that you and your family are in pain- but I am praying for you.
lindsey

Tallahassee Wedding Photogapher - February 22, 2013 - 8:53 pm

Sending you lots of love and some BIG hugs!!! -Ashley

Chrissy - February 22, 2013 - 9:01 pm

Allie, my heart breaks for you and Tim. I remember staring at the US screen and knowing yet waiting…. If you need an ear or a sounding board, I’m here.

Tomi Barrett - February 22, 2013 - 9:06 pm

My deepest sympathy to you both! We had a similar situation happen to us! It is painful regardless of how far along u r! I send lots of prayers and hugs!

Natalia - February 22, 2013 - 9:07 pm

I love you my friend, it all will be alright in time, trust in your faith and have comfort in the awesomeness that is that curly haired child of yours. I will see you soon!

Jessica - February 22, 2013 - 9:27 pm

Allie you are such a rock star. It’s ok to be sad but I hope you know you are an amazing mother to Ana and can have perfectly normal pregnancies in the future. Glad you and Tim get some time together, 5 yrs is reason to celebrate no matter what!

Matt Morrison - February 22, 2013 - 9:43 pm

It hurts to read the commentary on how it went today. I remember being in a similar room, and the anxious feelings you get. What I can’t imagine is how you and Tim’s hearts felt as the obvious was being narrated to you. So, for that you will have much prayer support tonight from the Morrison clan. We love you guys. Find rest and comfort tonight in your wonderful man, your amazing daughter, and most importantly your loving God.

MaGaggle - February 22, 2013 - 10:59 pm

Allie,
You do not know me, I do not know you! But together we are sisters in Christ. Our LORD will provide all our needs, our love for each other will get us through until HE returns one day. You are loved, brave and anointed! To be able to write about this so eloquently when we all know you must be hurting, deeply, tenderly and thoroughly! Know that there are a lot of us out here loving and virtually hugging you!
May GOD’S peace envelope you and your husband. May you have many more children and be a blessing to each of them!

Your sister in Christ!
Marilee

Dawn - February 23, 2013 - 1:01 am

Dear Allie,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I pray that God will surround you with His love, comfort, and peace.

Michelle Fullerton - February 23, 2013 - 2:53 am

So very sorry for your loss. God will heal the hurt – keep holding onto His strength!!
Love & prayers to you, Tim & Annaleigh.

Judy - February 23, 2013 - 5:08 am

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us! I cried just reading it as I know you must have done while writing it. God is the ultimate Healer, and I pray He will bring you and Tim peace through this emotional time!

Bobbie - February 23, 2013 - 7:47 pm

allie… i bawled!! as i am sure anyone else that feels your heart in these words…i am so sorry and so inspired at the same time. Trust, Love, Hope and Prayers

A year removed.. » - January 23, 2014 - 9:13 pm

[…] If you have followed this blog, that was pretty much the only thing I blogged here. A year ago, I told the story of our second pregnancy and subsequent loss at 13 weeks pregnant. I haven’t had a lot to say since […]

Back to Top Contact Me Share on Facebook Tweet this Post Email to a Friend

week nine – a few scares and some decision making..

So this whole pregnancy so far, I have felt like something was up. My belly is way more sensitive that I remember it being with Analeigh.. and I just simply cannot wear my jeans! I have ONE pair that I can tolerate. The rest are simply annoying, pressing on my uterus. I keep telling Tim that it seems weird, I feel heavy in the belly and that maybe there are twins in there… (that thought makes us both extremely nervous!)

Then early this week, while using the bathroom, I discovered a tiny tinge of blood…

surely nothing, so I ignored it.

Then I wake up the next morning, with streaks in my pajama bottoms and several trips to the bathroom later, still the tinge of blood coming from where the baby is assumed to be.

text Tim, text the midwife, text a few close friends… decide to wait it out and see if it gets worse and if I get crampy… it goes away and i don’t get cramps.

fast forward to the next afternoon.. taking a shower… ecstatic that everything seems to be all clear.. and then as I am washing, I see more blood, and it seems like more.. and its bright red.

get out of shower, text Tim, text midwife, text a few praying folks… and still decide to wait it out…

sure enough, it goes away without cramps… but now I am just beside myself. Why am I bleeding bright red? Is it another Subchronic Hematoma like I had with Analeigh? I can’t remember the spotting being this much or this bright, but that doesn’t mean my memory serves me properly… and if it is a SCH, is it something to be concerned about? Midwife tells me to bedrest, which is a laughable concept, being myself and all.. I can’t sit still if there is no true reason to and I have never been one to believe in bedrest as the best option except in pretty extreme cases of preterm labor.

I decide that, okay, now I want to get an ultrasound done.. even though we weren’t planning to have any this pregnancy, sometimes circumstances have to take president over preferences… and I am sleeping like crap not knowing what’s going on inside my uterus with all this spotting.. so my wonderful midwife calls in the order and I grab the last appointment available before the weekend… tomorrow morning at 10:30 am.

Thats really all I have this week… I don’t know whats going on, but I will soon… and I hope its good news of a little tiny heartbeat and maybe just a tiny little SCH or maybe even nothing explainable at all.

I just threw up.. so something tells me the heartbeat is there?!

 

xoxo,

 

allie

Back to Top Contact Me Share on Facebook Tweet this Post Email to a Friend

week eight – time for a photo..

 

 

 

 

I asked Tim take some images of me before I start showing… eeepppp! I have already resorted to stretchy pants and Tim sent me out to buy as many pairs as I saw fit. God love that man. I just can’t stand jeans across my uterus.. it just feels annoying. I told the folks at church last night to just expect nothing but black yoga pants for the next year! Hah! The other ladies that work in the nursery were all “IT’S YOU!” when I told them we were expecting! I guess they had been talking about needing a bassinet for the pastor’s new son in there and he told them they would be needing more than one… but of course he didn’t tell them it was for our future little one. SO exciting to have people excited with us!

So far week eight has been okay, but pretty nauseating still. Forget cooking in this house, it kills me!! Tim made roasted winter squash the other night and I had to quarantine myself in the back room and have him use the ventilation to suck out the smell. I feel bad being so sensitive but even my own smell bothers me.. I had to give the dog a bath last night because I felt like she smelled…I am a hot mess!

I am a little less tired this week, been forcing myself to get up at Ana’s naptime and try to be productive. It actually helps to stay busy and I feel like maybe I pay less attention to the nausea when I have something going on. I hope this part passes soon!

 

 

 

 

Back to Top Contact Me Share on Facebook Tweet this Post Email to a Friend

week seven – final decisions and hello, nausea

Good news – we chose a midwife. It was midwife B. The one that is further away but I felt like came in to my life recently for this reason. I talked to her one more time, and just hired her on the spot. I can’t go wrong and it felt like the right decision.. and frankly, I am just glad it’s over. Her name is Angy Nixon and she is in Charleston, WV area. I won’t have an appointment until 12 weeks unless I want to sooner, which I don’t. I feel pregnant now, so that worry is out the window and as long as things stay on this path, I will be happy. We can hear the heartbeat better at 12 weeks and since I know precisely when I conceived this baby and have a solid idea of when I am “due” there is no need for a dating ultrasound. I am glad to have someone I can send a text or facebook message to anytime I have a question or would like to set up an appointment. SO different than my OB office last time where I would call and it would ring off  the hook and no one would answer for hours. I told Angy’s assistant that I chose them and she was ecstatic. This makes me feel important and loved and for me, that is very important to me since these women will be the one guiding me through this birth.

With that decision out of the way, the nausea has come on pretty quick and I have to keep food in my stomach, which is hard when nothing sounds good at all. I have been surviving on go-gurts, pretzel rods, bowls of corn pops, baked potatoes and nachos… I’ve been forcing myself to eat protein at least for dinner even if it doesn’t sound good… but cooking is out of the question right now, as whatever I am making seems completely inedible by the time it is cooked and the smell makes me sicker! I have been eating lots of wendy’s baked potatoes and even has long johns and capt d’s last and this week to try and change it up. I usually do not eat fast food a lot but when you need to eat and the idea of cooking is appalling, you do what you have to do. I’ve lost 6 lbs so really I just want to not get so sick that I keep loosing and wind up having issues bigger than just a little nausea.

I have been taking perfect prenatals and floradix and those are both absolutely awesome supplements that I have used for a year now. No neon yellow vitamin pee and no constipation from the iron. Loveeeee it. Wish I would have known about whole food supplements when I was preggo with Ana.

Napping with Ana has been such a blessing.. I feel terrible at how bad my work productivity is and I am SO grateful for it being slower season (and for my amazing clients that don’t make me feel bad!!) So blessed to have spent both pregnancies working from home. Mad props to you working women with babies and pregnant.. you are beyond amazing to me. I barely stay awake long enough to make sure Ana is going to sleep.. one day I will wake up and she will be out in the house doing something bad, or eating all the cookies.. hah I just know it.. and I will be drooling away on my pillow, out cold in a pregnancy induced coma.

We’re also waiting on Ana’s god mom Mallory to go into labor (pictured in a previous post)… which feels like we are waiting for our own baby… We’re so excited and we love them so much! Come on Dylan, give you mama a break and come on out!

Looking forward to a weekend with my husband, who is still in the interview process and today goes in for his presentation to see if they want to hire him or not for a totally new and different job within his company. It involves a raise (can I get an AMEN?!) but also travel.. which I just know he will love and thrive doing.. even if it means we will miss him while he is gone. It sounds like it will be a 7 days gone, 7 days home situation, which could actually be nice for me, to be just mom while he is gone and then work more when he is here.. plus we do have a couple great babysitters and friends that help us.

Well.. on to laundry and work today… have a good one!

 

xoxo,

 

allie

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to Top Contact Me Share on Facebook Tweet this Post Email to a Friend