The following is a no-holding-back version of what happened Friday March 8th, when I had my miscarriage. Please be aware that I am open about the process and if that bothers you, don’t read on. If you are an information junkie, or just care about what has happened to me in the last month or two… read on..
When I decided to let the miscarriage pass naturally, I prayed that God would allow it to happen when I was home and that it wouldn’t happen during the bridal show.. a peace came over me about it and I knew that He would answer that prayer. We made it through the bridal show.
So, now I have been praying for three weeks.. for some sort of sign of when this miscarriage would end.
I have been slowly having it for about two weeks now.. but didn’t know if it would eventually just stop… or if there would be some kind of climax to it… really I had no clue what to expect and all the people I talked to had a ton of ranging answers for how they happen.
Well, today I got my second answered prayer.
Around noon, I felt a lot of pressure and pain in my stomach that felt pretty much like strong gas pains.. it was long lasting.. and then I realized it was coming and going..
I was laying in Ana’s room watching some CreativeLive on my computer while Ana watched the Lorax on the iPad.. we were being lazy because I didn’t feel great.
Around 12:30 I realized the pain was rhythmic, and peaking.. like a contraction. It was changing from pressure to straight up labor contractions.
At 1pm, I was having a hard time with them.. it was hurting pretty bad and it was sharp and impossible to ignore. I started to time the cramps to see if there was a pattern, and immediately found there was and that it was getting more frequent and intense. I found that timing them helped me cope, because I could see that they were peaking and coming to an end.. I was having 1 minute – 1:30 contractions, then 2 minute breaks.
Ana was just rolling with it as I was on hands and knees in her bed.. rocking back and forth. Then it happened…
I passed a golf ball sized clot.
I text Tim about it… he is concerned… but I don’t think he knew if I was in real pain or needed him..
Then another… and one more… and he asks if I want him..
at first I said no.. then another and the contractions are on top of each other now..
and I say “F it! I need you”
At this point, the contractions are lasting longer than the breaks and Analeigh is asking for me to come back to bed, as I have moved to the bathroom.. it was already an hour past usual nap time.. and I am trying to remain cool for her.. and luckily, shes easy going and is being a sweetheart..
I am texting with Angy, my midwife and I ask how much blood is too much blood.. because at this point, I am getting a little concerned with the amount I am loosing. She said it should last about 30 minutes.. I have already been bleeding for at least 45 now.. but I assume that means I am nearing the end..
Tim makes it home and gives me a glass of water, and a kiss and I tell him I am getting in the shower.. while he goes and puts Ana down for a nap.
holy moly. this is intense.
the water pouring down on me is immediately helping… I totally understand hydrotherapy as a pain relief in labor now. and if I ever do become brave enough to try to have another baby.. I will need a larger hot water tank for showering while I do it.
I get my phone (yes while still in the shower) and turn on pandora to my praise station.. like I had planned to when I was in labor.. and it helps so much. i am singing softly and letting the water hit me.. and massaging my uterus and praying.
The contractions seem to grow more painful and long.. and I start to think… “okay. all the stuff inside my uterus needs to come out, the contractions are doing that..” and it helps to cope to know that it is pain with a purpose and that it is doing its job.. and finally.. I wonder how much I am dilated or if I would even dilate at all in this process?
My doula training and being around so many births have left me with a few skills and a whole lot of “i’m comfortable with my body” so I check my cervix. I would say I am about 3 cm dilated.. which is a bit like… wow. Our bodies are amazing.
(here comes more oversharing)
I also feel that there is something large stuck in the opening of my cervix.
I know this is why my body is contracting so hard.. it needs to come out and with the amount of blood I am loosing, there really isn’t much longer that I am going to feel safe being home, laboring alone in my shower..
I push some… and I keep checking myself to see if its helping..
and finally the water gets cold.. so I hop out and sit on the toilet and I pray more.. it’s all I can think to do.
and then, BAM. it comes out. and it is a tiny placenta. about the size of a baseball.. but very obviously a placenta. (again, thanks to my history of birth photography and doula training)
My head is spinning as I return to reality and understand what was happening… almost immediately the contractions let up and the bleeding slows way down compared to what it was.. and then Tim appears.
Ana is asleep. The miscarriage is over. I am alive, a bit light headed but ok.
Tim starts to ask if he should go back to work or stay home and we decide that he should just go back. I guess I really should have let him stay with me because I got light headed after he left, but I ate and drank and felt better. Took a floradix iron supplement and a vitamin and a pain relief pill and rested until Ana got up.
In the evening I had a friend watch Ana while I went to dinner with a friend who recently had a miscarriage and now has a young baby and we just ate, drank and talked about highly inappropriate things.. and I am sure whoever could hear was grossed out.. but after the day I had.. I didn’t care.
I went to bed that night feeling a sense of pride, in my body and in my God. Knowing that I needed to let things happen this way or it would never have felt real to me, or over to me.
I also went to bed a bit overwhelmed by the fact that I felt like I had a baby today.. but there was no baby at all. And a bit shocked at how much like labor it was for me, and how painful.
All in all. I am so grateful for my faith in God, for a supportive midwife who believed in any decision I made and in my husband and his workplace for swiftly allowing him to come home in my crisis moment.