At this time last year, I had just announced our second pregnancy, and I was so so so excited, scared and also exhausted. If you have followed this blog, that was pretty much the only thing I blogged here. A year ago, I told the story of our second pregnancy and subsequent loss at 13 weeks pregnant. I haven’t had a lot to say since then.
I have rejoiced with those who have had pregnancies and sweet, squishy babies. I have been honored when they wanted me to photograph them, but I took a huge step back from photographing and videoing births, both because I was sick/tired when I was pregnant and becuase I was upset after my misscarriage and didn’t want to carry that into a birthing room.
When the dry spell finally broke in November, with the second baby of one of my very first birth clients, the first person I ever used video on. I just love them and was honored to be there for them again. It was like deja-vu, but through the lens of what I have gone through since then, it was very different. My eyes could see things in a different way; a more cautious, grateful and solemn way. I can see miracles for what they are now, not as something created by a man and a woman. I saw Cohen’s birth and was amazed at how good our God is.
I visited a hospital maternity floor again last month, this time, photographing the only portraits that will ever be taken of a sweet angel named Samuel, who was born sleeping. I had never done this before, even though I had looked into it through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) (an organization where photographers donate their time and talent to capture bereaved families of newborns, specifically stillbirths.) I have never been more grateful to have been through the story of my life as I was in that room. I was able to be strong for someone else when they needed it the most. I was able to give them a gift they might not have had otherwise. It wasn’t about me, or my camera, or even the perfect angle or lighting. It was about service.
I have learned that perspective is everything, and nothing makes your day to day issues seem like molehills like seeing a bereaved family mourn the loss of an infant child.
I have come a long way in the year since our loss. And though I still think of that sweet baby that would have been, and it never really has seemed like that was the life meant for us. A year removed and it doesn’t feel like someone is missing. I think the purpose of that experience has been shown to me, clear as day. And I am grateful for the way it has broken me down even further.
I have never felt so much like my life isn’t about me.
I have let go of insecurities that have held me back.
I don’t let my fears get in the way anymore.
I just go. I just do. I just trust in the process that is life.
I have faith that no matter the moment, no matter the place, no matter the situation; that I can and will be whoever Christ wants me to be in that moment, place, situation through his spirit in me.
I have peace that passes understanding and the strong desire to help others understand what that is and how to lay hold of it.
All that to say, I am back.
I’m blogging here again.
I am ready to share the sweetness that is my life and maybe along the way, I can let go of even more things that weigh me down in this life.
Maybe someone out there will be encouraged to let things go too?
I certainly pray for that.
Meet Cohen. He is a miracle. Just like you.
Meet Samuel. He went ahead of us. I can’t wait to see him again.