Welp, this is definitely not something I thought I would ever utter. Not even under the most strange of circumstances, but now that my miscarriage is behind me and life has resumed back to normal (okay, it’s better than normal!) I have to admit that I needed to have the miscarriage.
For the last few years, I have been grateful and pretty perplexed as to why and how I was able to have such an easy go at pregnancy with Analeigh. We are talking, first try conception, very minimal complications that all resolved themselves, an avoided induction and a healthy baby girl that came 6 days early, on her own in 6 hours! How did I get to be so blessed? Why have most of my friends and all of my sisters had miscarriages and complications? but not me?
When we got pregnant this last time, it was not as type A planned out at Analeigh was. It was more of a “let’s take our chances” situation and let’s just say Tim is a member of the elite one shot wonder club. Two weeks later… positive test. Another week later, slow death by morning sickness.. It all seemed so familiar and so normal for a healthy pregnancy. We began our planning and dreaming… and I imagined my life to become completely different as I became a mother of two.
Fast forward to our 5th anniversary, 10 weeks into the pregnancy, finding out that there was no embryo and that I likely was having a molar pregnancy or a blighted ovum.. it was rough to hear all of that, but to be honest.. I just kind of felt like it was my turn to take that hard road. Avoiding it until now was great, but now it was time to join the ranks of moms who have experienced loss. I found peace in knowing I wasn’t the first and won’t be the last mom to deal with this, and with the fact that I had knowledge and experience that would help me through the physical part of it.
Having a natural miscarriage at home was the most intense and craziest thing that I have ever experienced. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong and that God is with me. There was a lot of doubt trying to creep in during the experience, but I prayed through it and God answered my prayers to not need to go to the hospital. I am so grateful for that hard day and for how we chose to let it play out. Two weeks of waiting for it to happen and three hours of labor later… it was over and it was time to start moving on.
One of the very first decisions I made after finding out about the blighted ovum (what it wound up being) was that I didn’t want to become pregnant again anytime soon. The desire to be pregnant and have another baby fled from me like a bat out of hell. I was so ill during the 10 weeks before the miscarriage, I could barely function and when I was functioning, I was saying over and over again “ugh, blegh, ick. I feel so gross, i’m nauseated, I feel like trash.” It was awful. I was not prepared to deal with that again, not even if I did get a baby out of the deal.
The next huge realization was that maybe I didn’t even want another baby. (gasp!) I think the whole idea of it seemed right and perfect (and everyone else seemed to want more kids) but when I was seeing my life in 9 months and how much everything was going to change… it was intense and a little scary. I don’t have it all together, and there are days that I miss being a woman with a job and a life outside of motherhood. Why add to what we already have? (My husband is nodding, he has been saying this since before Ana was even born.) I think it is innate in women to want to procreate and mother, not matter the cost or the hardship or the battle. We are built to do it and who was I to fight that? Right? ugh… so wrong. I am open the the idea that one day we might get pregnant again and that maybe some day when we are all a little older and life is a little different that we might WANT another baby. But right now, content is the word of my life.
You see, having a miscarriage isn’t shameful. It isn’t something that was anyone’s fault. And it certainly isn’t something I will keep quiet about.
So many people have already asked me how I am feeling during the pregnancy (which leads me to wonder if the 10 lbs I have lost since then has been credited to morning sickness and not the endless hours of the elliptical and at hot yoga) but regardless, telling someone that you had a miscarriage is not as hard as it seems. The reactions are always so sorrowful and I wind up feeling like I need to give THEM a hug. But at least I can talk about it and not want to cry. That in itself is a blessing.
Since the miscarriage, I joined Anytime Fitness and lost 10 lbs doing cardio and strength training with a close friend who also experienced a miscarriage (we were due the same week.) And it is so nice to have someone who is right there with me through this. We are running a 5k on Mother’s Day, which I just realized was so ironic, and so perfect.
I also started doing Bikram Yoga at Full Circle Yoga and that is the most awesome workout for both mind and body – and before the miscarriage I don’t know if I would have been mentally tough enough to stick out 90 minutes of 99+ degree temps and holding poses that I have not done in a while.
I guess in a lot of ways the miscarriage gave me mental toughness, as well as the realization of how much I was taking for granted. I was over a healthy weight and not doing anything about it. It snapped me back into giving a crap about my body and what I put in it as well as how I use it to keep myself alive for the many years to come that I need to be here for Tim and Analeigh.
There are some recent developments that I cannot wait to tell you about that also would have never happened if I was still pregnant.
But that exciting news is for another blog post… so stay tuned!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.