I am sitting here putting off going into my office software and finishing up my tax expenses to send off to the accountant.. for some reason the entire process of paying taxes makes me tired.. and annoyed. Hah! So I thought this would be the perfect time to share a little bit about how I get this job done.
I have had several comments over the last four years about being a working mom. Other moms asking how on earth I run two businesses and keep a beautiful little girl alive and well. Truth is that is has not always been pretty. The struggle is real, folks. I don’t sugar coat motherhood or entrepreneurship. By themselves, both are an ever-changing challenge. Unpredictable, unstable and downright difficult; but insanely rewarding, fulfilling and inspiring at the same time. They mirror each other in many ways. As soon as you get ahead in business, you get behind again. As soon as you know your child, they grow and change and you have a new normal. Exhausting but thrilling.
I have frantically texted and facebooked with my photography friends – asking them if this is what burnout feels like and how to get through it.. I have had many many times where I went on a job search. There have been times where I foolishly but fully believed I should sacrifice my calling to make life easier.. I dreamed of waking up, working 9-5 and then coming home to enjoy my family instead of juggling 24/7/365 and feeling like I was failing as a wife and mom. I have crafted resumes and cover letters that are impressive and from the heart… only to never even be called for an interview.
but hey, I see what you did there, God.
I struggle with the reality of self-employment. The insane tax bills, the slow seasons that put us all on edge, the hours of work in the middle of the night while the world sleeps.. the sacrifice of weekends, the comparison trap, the constant putting yourself out there to be judged, the guilt of sometimes having to put clients before my home life. Many of these things I have grown accustomed to over the years but many I struggle with sporadically still. Coming to grips with the fact that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.. it’s just a totally different shade has been a breakthrough. The grass over there would probably make me very fidgety! This is who I am. This is where I am supposed to be. So I press on.
As I pack up my things for a wedding at the Greenbrier (I am thrilled to be shooting there! bucket list!) this weekend with some of my absolute favorite clients ever – I am feeling so very refreshed. Thrilled that out of all the sets of eyes in the universe, this family wants to borrow mine as the perspective they will remember their wedding by. That is my calling, that is who I am. I am a photographer and all the self-doubt in the universe can’t change that.
After my March break and trip out to the photography convention, I have been calm and peaceful. I have shot for myself, my camera feeling like an extension of myself, not a heavy piece of equipment. I have has a few instanced where I have had to work with my (almost) four year old directly alongside of me and not felt stressed about it. I have had the realization that for Analeigh’s whole life, she has known me as her mom and a photographer. That my identity to her is also based in taking photographs for people.. for some reason that was a very powerful realization to see myself through her eyes as she tells people her mom is a photographer. Just wow. I have also sat with my husband and held his hand and told him I love him and appreciate him and I am sorry for being so frantic over the course of our now six year old marriage.
The settling of my soul is a beautiful thing. I can already see what it is doing to free my work and take it to another level. So exciting.
So.. Here’s to the next phase.
Here’s to finding peace in the unknown.
Here’s to the beautiful, crazy ride called life.
Here’s to accepting and enjoying it!
by adorable couple for this weekend’s festivities! So excited to see you and make beautiful photos, Matt & Katie!!
Analeigh “helping” me work the past two weeks. Master photobomber.
I am not even joking.. I was posting this blog and got this text.. my sweet baby throwing a penny in a wishing well and wishing “that mommy could be a photographer everyday”.. excuse me while I go cry and thank God for her and for this job.